She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
