I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
