you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
