So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
