Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
