I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
