I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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