Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
