Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wanna go halves on a baby?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
