I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
