We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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