Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
bring money and cleavage
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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