Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
