I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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