I feel like abortions should bother me more
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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