dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My feet surprised me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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