cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
