1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
