i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
nutella sex= disaster
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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