I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
