We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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