I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize