I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize