The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
