i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
