Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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