Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
