so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
