White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
