I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She tied me up with her honor cords...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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