There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
