He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
