a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
