I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I take back everything I said about communal showers
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
