i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize