genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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