he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
