apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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