3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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