hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
