Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
