I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
