i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
