Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
