It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
