i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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