I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
