and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
