I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
