I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
