Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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