Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
