my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize