so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
