I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize