You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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