Duck Duck Cougar?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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