My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My dick has a subreddit
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
