five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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